The Cricket Documentaries that NEED to be made - Part 1

As anyone with access to cable TV and a passing interest in sports would know, in the past few years ESPN have ushered in a golden era of sports documentary making with their '30 for 30' series of high quality sports films.

As well as being hugely entertaining, the '30 for 30' series has established a variety of new sports doc paradigms which I will now list in no particular order:

1. It is now no longer acceptable to just point a camera at famous sports people and call yourself a documentary film maker. Some of these documentaries feature stunning production techniques, meticulous research and art direction that wouldn't be out of place on a medium budget Hollywood film. ESPN are pretty loaded, I suppose. For making these documentaries, I forgive them for Steven A Smith and those NFL Draft Panels that are just six Stephen Colbert lookalikes droning on about the 247th pick from Tallahassee State Technical College as though he's a Governor of the Fed.
2. ESPN managed to spawn a phenomenon I am calling "the Girlfriend Index". My girlfriend has no particularly keen interest in sports, yet she became so emotionally absorbed in 'Once Brothers', 'The best that never was' and 'The Two Escobars' that she still talks about them a year later. These are now the yardstick against which all other sports TV is measured for her. This is a good and bad thing; good because she is now more open to sit watching a sports program, which keeps us away from Bunnings Warehouse for two hours, though bad in that she is less likely to find watching 'Inside Cricket' an enjoyable experience by comparison, even on a purely ironic level like myself.
3. Sports documentaries now no longer have to be about he biggest stars and the most iconic (read: overdone) moments in sports. They can be about failed franchises of the past, one-hit wonders and obscure sports people who only flirted with fame. This is a good thing. This is what makes many of them so engaging. It's an antidote to the constant stream of regurgitation and raking over familiar ground that are generally the hallmarks of sports media.

So bearing all this in mind and given that this is a cricket blog, I think it is high time we campaign for some cricketing 30 for 30's. When I say that, obviously ESPN doesn't necessarily have to make them. Someone else can if they want. There are just so many great cricket stories that haven't really been told properly. I'm talking 'Fire in Babylon' quality docos too, not half hour profiles on famous players of the past.

First, I will exclude some for the reasons I outline in point 3 above: 

• World Series: we've been there so many times and if you suggest this one and then also tell me you haven't read Gideon Haigh's 'The Cricket War', I will be Glenn McGrath and you will be Ramnaresh Sarwan. EXCEPTION: if it was a documentary purely about the 'Country Cup' games, I would be on board. That would be such a niche documentary. Other than me, about fifteen people would watch it but it would give Ian Redpath some airtime, which I'm obviously all for.

• Bodyline: I think I've actually seen more of the Bodyline footage of Bradman ducking Larwood 'bumpers' than I have of any of the rest of his career. It's an endlessly fascinating topic but just read the 8000 books on it or watch the documentaries that already exist. It's such a cartoonish 'good vs evil' narrative that somehow I've become immune to its appeal. Familiarity breeds contempt.

• Steve Waugh's Ashes hundred in Sydney: I mean, Ray Martin probably owns the rights anyway and Waugh himself released AN ENTIRE BOOK about it. Enough.

• The Don: I'm sorry if Roland Perry is reading this, but we don't need any more books or documentaries about Don Bradman. Actually that's not true; some better quality ones would be nice because most of them are rubbish. But when it comes to the Don, unless there is some secret vault of recordings on which every key player in his career has recorded their actual thoughts about him, we've heard it, read it and seen it before.

• Match-fixing: to be clear, I'm not saying 'don't make a documentary on match fixing', I just think it would need to be very specific and stick to one single element, whether it be Cronje, Aamer/Butt/Asif spot-fixing, or the 'John the Bookie' saga. It's a topic with so many tentacles reaching in so many directions I just don't know where to start.

So without further ado, here are some of my suggestions; feel free to add your own in the comments section (this is far from a definitive list) and we'll see whether we can all get a production credit for our work. I will have to make this a two or three part post because I'll never get anything done with my day if I keep going at this rate.

The Australian Rebel Tours to South Africa

Cast: Malcolm Fraser, Bob Hawke, Kim Hughes, Terry Alderman, Rodney Hogg, Ali Bacher, Bruce Francis, Omar Henry, Allan Donald, Kepler Wessels, Mike Procter, Barry Richards, Graeme Pollock.

Why? 

Even excluding the other Rebel tours by England, Sri Lanka and the West Indies, the main difficulty in putting this documentary together would be trimming it down to two hours of material.

Politics, race, international relations, thwarted careers, the ability of sport to both divide and unite; this story is a documentary makers dream. It's riveting from both a political and sporting context, on a personal level and in a societal sense. Game footage clearly exists in abundance, nearly all of the key players are still alive and enough time has passed for a great many of them to feel comfortable to talk about the tours. 

Despite the disapproval of their Prime Minister and the threat of being ostracized by the game for a significant period, most of the Australian players involved still feel as though they did the right thing by the game and the people of South Africa. The games saw Omar Henry become South Africa's first non-white player since 1912 and the behind-the-scenes happenings were myriad and fascinating.

There are divisive characters (Bacher, Hughes, Francis), highly quotable public figures in Hawke and Fraser (the latter declined to let a plane carrying a Sprinkboks rugby tour refuel on Australian soil in 1981) and a host of lesser lights for whom the tours were the beginning and end of their representative careers.

One small but important point: as a 1980's one-day uniform fetishist, I can't say I'd be displeased for this number to be seen by a wider audience:

It's a no-brainer, this documentary just needs to be made. Note to any would-be producer who wants to take this project on: you need to devote at least 5 minutes of the finished film to Rod McCurdy's mullet.

Kim Hughes and Ali Bacher give it the thumbs up!

The 1981 Ashes Tour

No, I'm not talking about another yak-fest about "Botham's Ashes" and the hundred at Headingley, though it obviously would rate a mention. I'm talking about a warts-and-all look at Australia's disastrous Ashes campaign under Kim Hughes.

As anyone who read Christian Ryan's superb Kim Hughes biography 'Golden Boy' knows, things were more than a little NQR in the Australian camp on that tour. If they were all willing to open up about it, I'm sure it would be jaw-dropping. Greg Chappell opted out of the tour, the replacement captain was being seriously undermined by the few senior players he had at his disposal, then Lillee and Marsh placed bets on their own team losing at Headingley, which itself is probably deserving of a one hour special.

Speaking of the 'Cricketer of the Year' winners in the 1982 issue of Wisden following that Ashes series, editor John Woodcock said that Marsh's "delight that he had been included was good to hear of." No doubt it was of even more delight to Marsh at the time that his skipper did not make the list. They're all apparently chums again now, but if ever there was a doco about a tour debacle, this could be it. Honorable mention to the Bob Simpson-led team that ventured to the West Indies in 1978, which was also a farce of epic proportions. 

P.S. If someone ever makes a "this tour was a debacle" doco about Australia's 2013 tour of India and it has the word "homework" in the title, I will refuse to watch it.

The Death of Bob Woolmer

Excuse the ghoulishness of this suggestion,  but a certain amount of people have just completely forgotten about this event (it was only six years ago, too).

Woolmer, then the Pakistan coach, was found dead in his Jamaican hotel room on the 18th of March, 2007, only hours after Pakistan were surprisingly knocked out of the World Cup by Ireland.

Despite claims by the first pathologist to examine Woolmer that he had died of manual asphyxiation, later tests by other pathologists indicated that this was incorrect, with toxicology reports also concluding he had not been poisoned. An eventual inquest resulted in an open verdict and refused to rule out the strangulation theory.

Amongst all of this, former South African cricketer Clive Rice said he believed Woolmer had been murdered by an organised crime syndicate with links to sports betting. Taking even the most circumspect view, it is at the very least a story about a coach under so much pressure from a cricket-obsessed country that he died of a heart attack. It's a story that touches on difficult subjects for Pakistan, the spectre of gambling, and the high toll that the professional sports world can take on those within its orbit.

The First IPL Auction

On the 20th of February, 2008, the world of cricket entered uncharted territory upon the commencement of the the inaugural Indian Premier League T20 player auction. 

Fast forward six years and somehow the IPL have contrived to turn this event into a fairly beige affair in which several round tables of polo-shirted team officials wave miniature bats in place of auction paddles and earnestly scan the listings for available talent. As a spectacle, it is unquestionably inferior to the hyped-up draft day productions of the major US sports. Maybe even charmingly so, if such an adjective can be applied to an IPL event.

Yet the very first one was absolute mayhem. I'd long thought that it took place behind closed doors which afforded it a dodgy, clandestine air, but there is actually some footage up online still. It was attended by politicians, corporate heavy-weights, Bollywood actors, that bloke with the dodgy wig and, of course, the franchise owners who ended up footing the considerable bill at the end of the day. 

No-one can say they knew exactly what to expect, but amid the ego-driven bidding frenzy, the Chennai Superkings made M.S. Dhoni $1.5 million richer in an instant and Andrew Symonds relieved the Deccan Chargers of $1.35 million.

In the chaos, genuine stars went unsold and aging veterans like Sanath Jayasuria threatened to pass the million mark. David Hussey commanded $625,000, his more accomplished brother Mike only $250,000. More than anything, it put a publicly available dollar figure on the heads of many of the game's stars and for some this was not happy reading. Egos were doubtlessly battered as modest Indian trundlers became overnight millionaires at the expense of established international stars who were left to feed on the remaining crumbs.

But the auction itself, the money that was spent, the characters involved, it really was something. But would anyone involved be prepared to admit to any hubris or folly? 

                                                                           ***

Footnote: I intend on adding to this list but feel free to have a crack in the comments section. 

How Cricketers used to find out about the arrival of their children - Part 2

I'm no expert on child birth, but I can't imagine there would be anything more thrilling than receiving a photo of your partner having champagne poured on his head by Dean Jones in the minutes following an excruciating labour. Bonus points for Billy McDermott's shiner and the look of horror on Simon O'Donnell's face as he realizes that his iron-free chino's have been destroyed.

Compared to AB, Heals is an absolute softy, though. The only thing greater than the photo is the caption; "the wonders of modern technology" indeed.

The IPL, YouTube and bad movie ideas

You are currently reading a blog about cricket. Therefore it stands to reason that you probably follow and enjoy cricket yourself. Going one step further, it would make sense that you've been catching some of the IPL action at the moment. After all the latest installment is now well underway.

I say "it would make sense" that you've been watching the IPL, but I don't totally believe my own proposition. I have a confession: I don't watch the IPL. 

I'm not saying, "I'm not much of a T20 fan," or "the IPL is not my thing", or even "I'm not watching it because it's not being broadcast properly in Australia this year," I'm saying that I've literally never watched a single live broadcast of an IPL game and as it stands, don't have any immediate plans to do so. What sort of lifelong cricket fan willfully ignores his own generation's version of the Packer revolution? This one, my friends. 

I'll qualify these statements slightly though; I read about it quite extensively and have watched a decent amount of highlights on YouTube, some contemporaneously and some on time delays stretching years, which in stripping the games and events of any present-day context, often renders them exotic and entertaining. By viewing them stale, they take on a kind of warped, B-movie quality that I enjoy. But for the most part, the IPL is a large chunk of cricket that just doesn't exist to me. Obviously there are countless other chunks of cricket awaiting me and ones that I take greater pleasure in, so I feel neither a loss nor any sadness for missing it.

I hadn't really thought about all this in any depth until Chris Gayle's six explosion for the Royal Challengers of Bangalore in the week gone by. The night after Gayle's innings I caught the highlights on YouTube, which is itself symbolic of my thoughts on both Chris Gayle and the IPL. I wondered whether there were other cricketing lifers who 'consumed' this type of cricket the same way.

After watching the clip (I'd been drinking a bit so take this as you will) I actually thought of a plot for a sci-fi movie in which a lifelong cricket fan (me obviously; it's my fantasy movie, why the bloody hell would I not make it an autobiographical one?) who ignores the single biggest commercial revolution in the game during his own lifetime and thus fails to realise that the highlights he watches on YouTube are actually elaborately staged fakes. I was having visions of combining the David Fincher film, The Game with elements from The Truman Show, or, you know, Neil Armstrong's moon landing in 1969.

I jest only on the last point. 

At the time this film idea seemed at least equal in brilliance to the plot of Blade Runner, but I am now willing to concede that it was the red wine talking and that I am literally the only person in the world who would pay to go and see that movie. Mind you, that was also the case with 'Save Your Legs', which actually did get made. The fact that I didn't flesh the plot out beyond that initial idea is probably not the only reason it's not going to be green-lit any time soon, though it was a recycled combination of two very average pre-existing films, so I'm sure someone in Hollywood would at least take my call...

I'm not trying to shoe-horn a Cricket Australia jibe into everything I write, I swear, but watching Gayle biff all those sixes I noted the way that IPL highlights translate so well to short YouTube videos. Maybe that should be the aim of the Big Bash League; screw the live broadcast figures as long as there is an exponentially higher click rate on the 3 minute highlights package uploaded following the game. We can't rule out the possibility that someone down on Jolimont hasn't already suggested this. Play some Basement Jaxx over the top and we wouldn't even have to listen to Greg Blewett...

Would the IPL be any more or less appealing to me if the implausible scenario of my drunken brainstorm actually came into play (stop thinking about spot fixing, stop thinking about spot fixing)? I actually don't think it would push me very far either way.

I'm not going to bore you with a treatise about how the IPL and the wannabe domestic T20 leagues it has spawned are corroding the soul of the game because I don't actively hate the IPL, it's just not on my radar and I wondered how many people feel the same way. 

So readers, are you dedicated followers of cricketing fashion or do you give the IPL a miss? Am I missing anything genuinely important by not tuning in?



P.S. There is one thing that the IPL has got going for it and that is the amount of completely mental TV commercials it has spawned. This is my favourite:

The Ashes Squad we should have expected

Try as the breathless talkback calls and scattergun tweets might to convince us otherwise, the most alarming thing about John Inverarity's 2013 Ashes squad is that it's, well, not that alarming at all. It's what many of us, deep down, expected. In some instances, it was also what a lot of us wanted.

It contains most of the available backbone in Australian cricket, some old stagers and players picked on merit rather than potential. Put bluntly, it's a squad that won't totally embarrass Australia. No player left off it is entitled to feel slighted. 

Whilst the focus of many hyperbolic headlines was that this was the weakest Ashes touring party since 1985, you have to wonder what else was expected given the field available. For many, the ghosts of Warne, McGrath and Ponting still linger too closely.

For this fan it also restored some faith in Inverarity's judgement, which had wavered several times during the recent tour of India. Upon his appointment many of us had high hopes, hopes that it turns out were not entirely reasonable given the talent he has had at his disposal. Coming into the job, his reputation lent him the air of a favourite high school history teacher, one that we hoped would inspire his pupils to greater heights. 

In Christian Ryan's superb 'Golden Boy', Rodney Hogg explained how a man with 6 Tests to his name could have a grandstand at the WACA named in his honour by noting, "you're in the presence of someone who knows he's smarter than you." As the inexperienced Glenn Maxwell and incapable Xavier Doherty were blasted from one end of Hyderabad to the other, I began to seriously question this notion. This Ashes squad has gone a little way to redressing the balance.

I can only speculate whether Inverarity's deference to experience this time around was in a small part informed by his own experience as a greenhorn on Australia's 1968 Ashes voyage, on which he joined a host of other newcomers in a squad that was widely derided by the English press. Though carrying ten players who had never previously played on English soil, Australia were able to retain the Ashes by drawing the series 1-1. Afforded no such luxury this time around, Inverarity emphasised that this was a squad to "win back the Ashes." Such statements may sit close to the realm of cliche, but adopting a strategy of attack rather than defence is a key distinction to make.

Resurected vice-captain Brad Haddin pointedly alluded to the intense pressure placed upon the Australian cricketer touring England. If the squad picked for India ended up looking like a deer in the headlights, this one was not going to be blinded by the Fleet street flashbulbs. In theory, anyway. It is probably more accurate to say that Haddin was a "captain's pick" from Clarke, but there is no mistaking the message that the National Selection Panel have sent to those who missed out on the deputy's role.

Upon the selection of 35 year-old Chris Rogers, Inverarity rightly pointed to the Victorian opener's uncanny knack of churning out huge amounts of first-class runs in England. An obstinate, no frills opener with 19,000 first class runs to his name, Rogers is an accumulator in much the same sense as Inverarity was in his own long and distinguished first-class career. Like Rogers, Inverarity's Test opportunities were limited. E.W. Swanton once labelled the selector "Inforeverity" and both he and the rest of Australia would be hoping that Rogers displays a similar knack for batting out sessions.

For his part, Rogers seemed grateful not only for the belated opportunity to add to his solitary Test cap, but the regular dialogue he had shared with Inverarity since his appointment as chief of the National Selection Panel last year. It was the first time he'd been in regular contact with a selector in 5 years. A month back Rogers made no attempt to hide his preference for Inverarity's approach than that of his predecessor Andrew Hilditch, from whom he had no meaningful contact despite his elevation to the Test team in January 2008. It has to be noted that Hilditch was a part-time selector who was also juggling a busy legal practice, but Inverarity's billable hours are clearly being spent mending fences as well as building them. Of playing for Western Australia under the captaincy of Inverarity, Dennis Lillee said, "You gave your all for WA, but then you gave a little more for Inver." It wouldn't be fanciful to suggest that Rogers will enter the series with a similar mindset.

The pace bowling line-up is strong and contained no surprise selections. A nation will hold its collective breath every time Ryan Harris runs in to bowl, but what a comforting sight it could be to see him jagging the new ball about with the same purpose sense of imminent danger as Jimmy Anderson. In any case, a capable supporting cast will be waiting in the wings. 

The success or otherwise of this voyage will depend on the ability of the Australian batsmen to master the moving ball. The convalescing captain is as vital as ever, but it's hard not to see Australia otherwise leaning heavily on Rogers' experience of English conditions and hoping like hell that one of Ed Cowan, Dave Warner or Phillip Hughes is able to have the break-out series that might be required for Australia to even get close.

Though Matthew Wade could consider himself unlucky not to be shown the level of forgiveness afforded to many other Australian wicket-keepers in the early, stuttering stages of their careers behind the stumps, he was philosophical about losing the gloves to Haddin. At ten years the vice-captain's junior, he will have plenty of opportunities to prove his detractors wrong.

Inverarity himself may not get so long to please the Australian public, but that is a shame. He has found himself in the hot seat at a truly precarious stage in his country's cricketing fortunes. The journey so far has been rocky, but if this squad proves anything, it is that he has a level head and has given both the captain and experienced players his ear.

On a number of occasions throughout his own career, Inverarity was mooted as a Brearley-like option as Australian captain. He later recounted this time without regret, saying, "I read the articles as if they were about somebody else and shrugged my shoulders." They're sentiments he might need to draw on now more than ever.

Ellyse Perry – the invisible superstar

You know those moments when the marketers finally get to you and it results in a loud, spirited, “Oh, come on!” forcing its way out? I had one of those moments the other day when I walked to the mailbox and this was sitting on top of the junk mail.

It irked me on a number of levels. Whilst I do appreciate the form Michael Clarke has been in since he met the model in question, I’m not so fussed about the message that is being relayed here.Firstly, that it is merely proximity to fame and talent that should be celebrated. Kyly Clarke may be a lovely woman, but it is anyone’s guess what Rebel Sport were thinking when they chose to sponsor her above world class Australian athletes like Sally Pearson, Lauren Jackson, or perhaps most poignantly as far as I see it, Ellyse Perry. Were Rebel Sport merely reacting to what the market (or more accurately the demographers) tell them? I’d really hope not.

The thing is, Australia does have a world-beating cricket team at the moment: the Southern Stars. But unless you were a very diligent and committed cricket fan, you might not know about it. Cricket Australia itself might have come a long way from the days where the women’s team paid their own way (yes, consider that for a moment; the best female cricketers in the world paid for their own flights and uniforms to represent their country. Isn’t that completely embarrassing?) but the promotion of the women’s game and its stars still leaves a lot to be desired.

On ABC’s Offsiders a couple of months back, Gerard Whately referred to the Clarke/Rebel sport deal as, “a really crystalizing moment of failure that I think we should all own rather than just blame the marketers.” He was right actually. I don’t watch as much women’s cricket as I probably should, so it’s slightly hypocritical for me to complain about its lack of coverage. What can you and I do? Watch the Southern Stars definitely, but also vote with our clicks, tweets and views, because if there is one thing Cricket Australia take notice of, it’s modern marketing metrics.

Australian cricket is desperate for good news stories of late, but CA steadfastly refused to push forward their best in any meaningful way. Their inability to leverage the talent and clear marketability of Ellyse Perry is possibly the greatest damnation of all. Perry could be a golden goose, and not just for the women’s game, but then the CA marketing department seems to be a metaphorical goose of a less appealing kind.  Perry is by their definition “one of 4 CA cricket ambassadors.” What this actually involves is only currently known to those sitting on Jolimont street.

Perry is a superstar by any definition, a dual-sport champion who was an international player in both cricket and football by the time she reached her 16^th birthday and had represented her country in world cups in both sports. She is arguably the most talented and accomplished all-round sportsperson in Australia. It is impossible to overstate how incredible her achievements are, unless you’re a sports marketing person, apparently. It’s not inconceivable to say that were she a male athlete, she’d be the most famous sportsperson in Australia. We should all share the shame that she’s not even close.

In return for her ability and efforts, so far Perry has gotten the arse from one of her football teams and been the subject of risible twaddle like this from so-called cricket lovers. The mind boggles
.
Does Ellyse Perry front national advertising campaigns for major brands? No. Did she feature prominently in the marketing material put forward by CA in the lead-up to the season? Nope. Apparently it is more lucrative to pimp out self-obsessed and injury prone non-entities like Shane Watson than a female Bo Jackson who bowled her country to a World Cup Final victory on a completely obliterated ankle. How was Perry’s grimacing but joyous face not plastered over the front of every newspaper in the country after that? Why weren't sporting brands throwing endorsements at her left right and centre? Will I reach a world record for exasperated rhetorical questions just by thinking about Ellyse Perry’s situation for five minutes?

So in summary, here are some places you WON’T find Ellyse Perry:

• On the homepage of Cricket Australia’s website. In actual fact, when I logged on there was not a  woman to be seen at all unless you hunted around through links.

• Fronting a national advertising campaign for any major brand. Not sports goods, not sports supplements, nothing. Perhaps if Perry was a code-hopper and not a code-straddler she’d be better off?

• On any television commercials (to be fair, any TV ad involving cricket in Australia has to include the Madden brothers, so maybe she’s rebuked those offers) promoting Cricket Australia or its sponsors.

Perry should be a household name who stares down at us from billboards, instead she is virtually invisible and a minor blip on the pop cultural radar.

Speculation about the upcoming media rights deal has me thinking though; Cricket Australia have an opportunity right now and it would be remiss of them to ignore it. By ensuring that Perry was utilised in the major advertising campaigns and commercial coverage of the international game in Australia next summer, they would be killing two birds with one stone. They would be livening up TV coverage that seems to get staler by the year and they would also be appealing to the precious youthful and female demographics they seem so obsessed with at the moment. And just say it quietly, they'd also be taking focus off the fact that they have more than few unlikable characters in the men's team.

This isn't inconceivable; Perry has shown herself to have some serious presenting chops. The times I have seen her on TV she is a confident, bubbly and assured performer with personality. Give her the boundary-riders mic at the very least. Sure her playing schedule won’t allow her to join the broadcasting team for every game but it’d be a nice change from the leering mug of Bet365's Billy Baxter.

Put her on posters, put her on ads, sit her front and centre because she’s likable  attractive and a proven performer on the field. There is zero risk and the potential for significant gains, particularly in the participation and interest of new female fans. CA’s cross-town rivals at the AFL realized this long ago and more than half of their current audience is made up of women. For an organisation apparently looking to move away from their traditional supporter base of middle-aged men, the potential for CA to miss this chance is almost too painful to watch.

It was interesting that during one of his increasingly rare public utterances, Steve Waugh recently took the opportunity to suggest that Big Bash franchises each included some talent from the women’s game in their line-ups. For now it seems that our former captain’s exuberance for the women’s game isn’t shared by the marketing people or the custodians of the game in Australia. 

The clock is ticking, guys.

We apologise for the interruption in service

If you forgive my arrogance in assuming that you care, dear readers, I apologise profusely for the lack of action around these quarters of late.

Myself and Mrs Wasted Afternoons are still knee-deep in packing boxes, awaiting the connection of internet/cable TV and eagerly anticipating our return to slothful (and blogging) ways.

In the meantime, here is a picture of Max Walker sitting on his hotel balcony using a telephoto lens to spy on unsuspecting British women:

If that doesn't float your boat, then try and imagine just exactly what it was that Lawrence Rowe was smirking about as Clive Lloyd introduced Andy Roberts to Queen Elizabeth here. Actually, he may well be looking past Roberts to the nearby visage of Tony 'make them grovel' Greig. 

Anyway, hopefully I will also have graduated from the Dave Hussey school of economics by the time I'm back online.

The Worst Pieces of Cricket Memorabilia Ever

Firstly a disclaimer, good readers: I own an alarming amount of cricket books, memorabilia and tat associated with the game and thus it is a bit rich for me to be passing judgement on the people who buy the items that follow.

I have been known to return home brandishing an item that will make my girlfriend slap her palm across her face (I'm not kidding, she LITERALLY does that and somehow manages to work a simultaneous eye-roll into the one single expression of disgust. It's actually quite remarkable).

I talk of items like...say....this:

Who needs a travel bag from the 1973 tour of the West Indies to put their gym gear in? Who doesn't? I also cannot sit before you and say I haven't drunkenly bought things on eBay late on a Friday night, or gotten a bit sauced at a sportsman's night auction and bid (I think there is a theme here...) for similarly pathetic acquisitions. 

Actually, I don't even have to be drunk. At one point my Dad took up wood-turning classes and for one of his first projects made my brothers and I (grown adults, one and all) a replica of the Ashes urn. It was immediately decreed we needed something worthwhile to burn and place inside it before that Christmas's "Backyard Ashes". I zeroed in on a suitably random item; Ben Barnett's wicket-keeping 'inners' used while he was back-up keeper on the 1938 Ashes tour. Post-purchase, my only job was to courier one of them down the Peninsula for the burning ceremony on Christmas day. But I forgot to, didn't I? So after a hastily convened committee meeting we resolved to burn our underpants instead and the ghosts of Ben Barnett still rest in a box in my wardrobe. In related news, yes, I am fortunate to even have a girlfriend.

But getting back to the point, Cricket memorabilia takes on many forms and there genuinely is some quite cool stuff out there, but there'll be none of that today. Today, we look at the random, the horrible, and the worst of all: the stuff that Channel Nine spend entire summers trying to sell us. So sit back and...grimace?

Brett Lee - "Leethal"

If there is anything I like less than a bad pun, it's a Brett Lee wicket-celebration. What does it say about you when two out of the six photos chosen to represent your career are fist-pumps?

I once took my much-younger brother to a game at the MCG at which he decided to collect all the Australian players' autographs on one of those mini bats. With limited space, the first four or five of them diligently fulfilled his request to do a small signature across the face so he could fit the whole team on. Jumping up out of his seat to collar Brett Lee, a look of horror spread across his face as Bing magnanimously snatched the bat, gave him a friendly "g'day champ", and then proceeded to sign the entire remaining surface space of the bat with a giant, illegible scrawl. The crestfallen look on my brother's face as he slumped into his seat has outlived any detail in my memory about the actual game. 

"The Champions"

"The Champions" is a bat signed by some of the "all-time greats of world cricket." So who have we got on there? Some knighted cricketers - Richards, Hadlee, Botham, Sobers, Bedser; legends one and all. Chappell, Walters and Marsh? Yes, big tick! And then finally.... Asanka Gurusinha??? Sure he only had a Test average of 38.92, but it was the way he made them, you see.

Tony Greig's Panama Hat

While there is a degree of poetry that a man who so relentlessly hawked dodgy memorabilia should become the subject of a piece himself, I could feasibly write an entire blog post on how wrong this thing is. I think the eBay listing for it provides damning enough evidence: "Hat was worn by Tony Greig. It even has the sweat marks. Buyer will not be disappointed." At a $500 starting bid, I think there is actually a lot of scope for disappointment if we're being honest. Did Greigy wear this while he was gardening? It seems very...soiled, don't you think? 

I just thought of approximately 6 theories as to how this hat got to be in such a state and I fear it is too soon to share any of them. Okay okay, I just don't wanna get sued.

"Chappell Brothers - The Backyard at Mum's"

The only explanation for this piece is that it was commissioned by Mrs Chappell herself and she specifically decreed that all the boys be included so as to avoid having Trevor feel left out. Danny and Dean Waugh are nodding their heads right now...

I can imagine that if Chappelli himself was to take over the memorabilia racket left behind by Tony Greig, it would be a matter of days before we were being bombarded with limited edition Les Favell prints.

The Glenn Maxwell Badge

Stay with me Australian cricket lovers, I'm tipping the pin on the back of this thing is perfect for poking your own eyes out. There is also a matching "Big No-Show" magnet available, which would be ideal to slap on the side of a nuclear weapon before you position it towards the Mumbai Indians' first IPL game.

Phil Hughes Signed Cricket Ball

Things you can buy with 85 dollars: 17 "Stunner Meals" from Hungry Jacks, every movie that John Cazale starred in on DVD, a meat pie and a coke at the MCG, or this Phil Hughes signed cricket ball. It's actually quite a rare item in that each one takes him hours to sign; the pen just keeps flashing past manically and not making contact. This also comes with a bonus Neil D'Costa coaching DVD. Just use it as a drinks coaster like Philthy does.

Shane Watson signed photo

Show the cricket-lover in your life how much you hate their hobby with this Shane Watson signed photo, guaranteed to make everyone in the room wince! I often joke that Watto probably can't spell his own name and the two prominent S's here seem to vindicate my theory. You heard it here first, people. I also like that he's signed it over the most well-utilized tool in the Watson armory; his mouth. 

"Justin Langer & Matthew Hayden - Double Impact"

I'd like to think that the person naming this particular piece of Channel Nine 'scamorabilia' was a would-be comedian. They probably could have pushed the boat out a little further but "Double Penetration" would only have worked for a bowling partnership, I guess. If you see this hanging in someone's games room, you have my permission to go to town with a Sharpie. Get creative, too.

Shane Warne Signed Photo

Remember 'fat Warnie'? I loved fat Warnie, he was so much more fun. And he was an ace cricketer, too. Anyway, I am borderline on buying this as a constant reminder of the good times. Its definitely not the dodgiest piece of Warnibilia out there though...

Warnie at play

This falls into one of my favorite sub-genres of sports memorabilia; the unsanctioned piece that no athlete in their right mind would consent to. You simply take a blank piece of paper, have it signed by said athlete, then attach it to a photo or montage of their most inglorious moments. Magic. Come to think of it, Warnie would probably sign that photo, if only as a reminder of the time he used to blow smoke rings whilst drinking a full-carb beer. Come back Warnie, it's never too late.

Meanwhile, down at the Scamorabilia factory...

"Dave Warner - The Powerhouse"

Are you sick of hearing the words "only $500 unframed" in between balls in Channel Nine telecasts? Well apparently you're not alone, because two years on, they still can't sell any of these Dave Warner 'Powerhouse' prints. And there was only 250 of the things to start with. Maybe Cricket Australia could throw one into Mickey Arthur's redundancy package? Feel free to leave your suggested uses for this monstrosity in the comments section.

"The Aussies and the Colonel"

Several questions immediately popped into my head when I saw this; Was Dirk Nannes engaging in a passive display of protest by putting his hands in his pockets? Is Colonel Sanders a better middle-order batting option than Moises Henriques? Would any amount of KFC refresher towels wash the filthy stain off everyone involved in this exercise?. But then I remembered this:

Right you are then, gents.

Jason Krejza signed cricket ball

So this thing will cost you 65, exactly the same as each Jason Krejza wicket. You'd have to be a serious lover of off-spin to invest in this thing. There is no similar memento to be had for Beau Casson fans unfortunately; at the sight of a cricket ball he instinctively curls into the fetal position.

Dirk Wellham Autograph

I feel a bit sorry for Dirk that this languishes on eBay with no bids despite its starting price of 99 cents. I might buy it and affix it to the title page of my copy of Dirk's book, 'Solid Knocks and Second Thoughts' a great read for lovers of the "axe-grind" genre of autobiography. 

Brad Hodge Signed Publicity Photo

This isn't actually a piece of memorabilia that is for sale, Brad Hodge just walks around handing them out himself.

Chris Lewis Stimorol Trading Card

There is only one reason that this remains un-signed and that is because, technically speaking, anything that Chris Lewis touches becomes evidence. 

Peter George Signed Photograph

While we are on the subject of police matters, can someone get this thing down to "Missing Persons" pronto? Literally no-one has seen or heard from this bloke since he played a Test in Bangalore three years ago. History tells us that if you go missing in Adelaide it rarely ends well.

Allan Border - Beyond Ten Thousand

I am currently a serious risk of buying this. Somebody stop me. I'm not even kidding. This could be a relationship-ender... This book was the greatest 'limited edition" scam of all time; 10,000 in total. Get in quick before they're all gone!